A quick update

I have been putting off writing this post mainly because I just didn't know what I wanted to share and what I didn't. I will just start off by saying if you are one of the three people reading this and I talk to you on a regular basis if you have questions feel free to ask. If it isn't something we want to share I will tell you. Sometimes I really feel like talking about it and sometimes I don't. Regardless of whichever mood I am in being asked always makes me feel good because I know other people care. We are currently seeing Dr. N on a very regular basis. I will not bore you with all the gory details but will give you some info. What we have been doing for the last three months is what the fertility world calls "combo" cycles. I see Dr. N at the beginning of each cycle and he does an ultrasound to verify that my ovaries are "quiet". This means that the polycystic crazy is calm for the moment. Then I start an oral medication called Femara. This medications job is to help my ovaries sort out a few dominant follicles. When you have PCOS like I do your ovaries tend to have several follicles (potential eggs) that never become dominant and therefore never maturing. This goes back to the reason Dr. N does a baseline ultrasound. He wants to make sure that after being stimulated and going through a cycle my ovaries quiet themselves back down like normal people do at the end of every month. So far my ovaries have cooperated in this. So the Femara helps my ovaries isolate a few dominate follicles to be prepared for stimulation. After taking the Femara for 5 days I start the stimulation medication called Follistim. This is an injection I give myself in the stomach once a day. This medications main job is to get those dominate follicles good and plump so they will be ready for ovulation. After three to four days of "stimming" (giving myself the Follistim injection) I go back and see Dr.N for yet another ultrasound. This is to check the size of the follicles. Dr. N will then give us instructions based on the size and number of follicles. Typically he has me do a bolus injection (double regular dose). Then I give myself yet another injection called Ovidrel. This medications job is to cause the follicles to release an egg for fertilization resulting in ovulation. Without medicated assistance my body does not ovulate on it's own. So in case you are counting in a one month cycle I give myself at least five and sometimes six injections in the stomach. Fertility treatments are not for the faint of heart and what we are doing is mild compared to what I would have to do for IVF! After I give myself the Ovidrel...which is also called a trigger shot, Dr. N then has me start Progesterone. The Progesterone aids in implantation of the fertilized egg and also helps prevent miscarriage in some cases. I supplement with this until I start again or until I get a negative pregnancy test. Once becoming pregnant I will likely supplement through my first trimester. We have completed three cycles this way. We are not sharing exact timelines for two reasons. One is when we do get pregnant we would like to be able to share it with everyone in our family at once. Two is because on the day that I test if it is negative that is something we have felt better about handling privately. These days tend to be rough for us and it is hard to talk about right away. Our doctor is very encouraging and constantly reminds us that it could take several tries before it works and to not be discouraged. So this wasn't as short as I was planning but I felt I needed to update. Please just continue to pray for us that God will guide us in our decisions. 

Some good news and a little perspective

I meant to write this post yesterday but just didn't do it. This week we got a little good news. One of the nurses for my new doctor (I will be calling him Dr. N from now on) left me a voicemail on Monday. She asked me to call her back but said it wasn't an emergency. Even though her tone did not hint at all that something was wrong I instantly broke out in a cold sweat. I knew they had sent off some blood work when I was there last week so my fear was that something had come back abnormal. I immediately called her back and was told she was in a room and that she would return my call. I then sat and waited for what felt like hours but was really only like 10-15 minutes. Did I mention how much I love this clinic!!! When she called me back she began to tell me that in the 3 vials of blood they drew, they ran a test called AMH. As I have quite an extensive knowledge of all things fertility I knew of this test but I didn't know exactly what it was for. She said it gives them a picture of my ovarian reserve. She said my number was "excellent"! It was at this point in the now two minute conversation I allowed myself to exhale. She went on to say that this test lets them know that we do not have to be in a hurry. Basically I am a ways from menopause.... Even though I just experienced menopause for six long months! This is good because if my level had been low the doctor might suggest we move right on to IVF as to not waste any of the ovarian reserve. The nurse said that they usually get concerned if the number is 1 or below. Mine was 4.05. I thanked her for being the bearer of good news. She said the doctor asked her to call because he wanted me to know. Again I love this place!!!! It has been my experience in the past with fertility stuff, doctors don't usually call unless the news is bad. I am so appreciative that they called me for good news. After I got off the phone, I of course googled all about AMH. Apparently there are 4-5 levels depending on which study you read. The good news is my number is in the best category either way. I think this is the first time I have gotten a good grade on a fertility "test"! 

After getting this news I have felt so hopeful this week. Yesterday I also gained a little perspective . My devotion that I read every morning was entitled "Great Expectations". The author of the devotion gives the scripture of Philippians 1:12-21 as a reference. The author talks about Paul being in captivity and how being in that situation did not alter his hope or happiness. I am going to quote directly from the devotional:

"I once asked a counselor what the major issues were that brought people to him. Without hesitation he said, 'The root of many problems is broken expectations; if not dealt with, they mature into anger and bitterness.' In our best moments it is easy to expect that we will find ourselves in a good place surrounded by good people who like and affirm us. But life has a way of breaking those expectations. What then? Stuck in jail and beset by fellow believers in Rome who didn't like him, Paul remained surprisingly upbeat. As he saw it, God had given him a new mission field...... Paul never expected to be in a great place or be well liked. His only expectation was that 'Christ will be magnified through him'(v. 20). He wasn't disappointed." 

I will tell you this spoke directly to me. I have been disappointed so many times by MY expectations. I am not saying we shouldn't be hopeful or believe that things are going to work out. But I think there is a difference. Expectations are the limits that we place on situations.... on God even. Imagine what I could see Him do through me if I would stop expecting Him to do what I think He should! And this definitely applies to our journey to have a family. 

Food for thought. 

New day.....New doctor

As some of you know we saw a new doctor today. This visit was night and day compared to our first visit with Dr. B. this doctor talked really fast and gave us lots of information! He discussed with us our options going forward. He talked to me a little bit about our treatment up to this point. Honestly he is not a fan of the treatment we have undergone. We didn't dwell on it a lot but he implied that I could've gone without the 6 months of injections for endo. I am refusing to let this depress me or dwell on the fact that we could've possibly wasted the last 8 months. I know that we are right where we are because this is where we are supposed to be. Don't get me wrong when he talked about it with us I felt sick, but Dr. N said it is in the past and all you can do is move forward from this point. So that is what I choose to do. Dr.N did tell us that our best chance of pregnancy is IVF. He said although this is the best chance (60% vs less than 10%) it is not the only choice and definitely not the first line of action. Today he did an ultrasound to "see what was going on". He said that I have a lot going on but not in a good way. So the plan for now is to induce a new cycle to clear out all the old and hopefully give me a clean slate. I will be doing a combination of oral medication called Femara and injections called Follistim. This medication cycle will be monitored by ultrasound. The goal is to get my body to ovulate. We are so hopeful after this visit and really praying that the future will hold great things for us! I may or may not update this through the cycle depending on how it goes. 

So have you ever considered adoption?

For people struggling with fertility this question is often a two-edged sword. On one hand adoption is ordained by God. In the Bible He commands us to care for the widows and orphans. On the other hand, to a couple who yearns to be like everyone else and raise a child that is a perfect mix of their traits and appearance, this question can often bring pain. For years when people would ask me that question I would instantly feel guilt. Guilt because I know that adoption is something God calls us to do. Guilt because I am spending countless amounts of money, time, and prayers on trying to have a biological child when there are lots of children who don't have homes. Guilt because we have yet to make grandparents out of our parents who so desperately want to be. Guilt because I have heard stories of families who were complete through the miracle of adoption. I actually would have so much anxiety that as soon as the question was asked I would try to come up with something that would satisfy my social obligation to make this person who was suggesting adoption feel like I was in fact considering it. Truth is at this time in our journey adoption is not a consideration for us. I am not saying we have never discussed it. Of course we have discussed it and if the time comes that we feel God is telling us that is what we should do we will definitely be open to His leading. We have some precious friends who have opened their home to the miracle of adoption twice. Once domestically and are now in the process of adopting after fostering. This relationship has so made me appreciate that God does lead some to take the step toward adoption. I am currently reading a book called Hannah's Hope. If you have not read it you should! It is excellent and has already been such a blessing to me even though I haven't finished it yet. In the book she quotes another author about the subject of adoption. 

This is the passage : "God had the desire to create new life; and he wanted to create it in His own image. If He, being perfect and complete had this desire to create, how could it be selfish or wrong? And because He created us in His image, with many of His attributes, it should come as no surprise that we have His desire to create. If we yearn to take part in the miracle of creating new life " in our image" with our attributes, and want the intimacy of nurturing our child to maturity, that is only natural. This yearning is God-given and how we are created. It's no wonder we feel jarred and confused when we are unable to fulfill it."

I love this passage. I have read it and re-read it. It speaks to my heart. There should be no shame or guilt in my desire to have a biological child even if it is difficult. And to take it a step farther when I get asked that question now I feel no guilt. I feel like at this time, considering adoption when we feel so strongly that it is not what we are supposed to do right now, is giving up on something God has instilled in us. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying adoption is not something we are NEVER going to consider. But what I am saying is that just because we have far surpassed what society considers a "normal" amount of time to try for a biological child it does not mean that we are selfish for not considering adoption. I honestly believe that God is going to bless us with a biological child. But if He doesn't then we trust that He will tell us when it is time to think about other options. 

A

Hurry up and wait...Story of my life

I can say hands down the most frustrating part of this journey is the waiting!! Waiting for test results, waiting for the doctor/nurse to return my call, waiting for my cycle to start....wait wait wait! Seems like some days my life is on hold just waiting. If you know me you know that I am a planner. I like things to be planned and I hate when plans change. I am pretty sure this whole journey is partly God's way of teaching me that I am (and never was) not in control. I am working on this. I am trying to change the way I respond to the changing of plans and time tables. I have come a long way from the days when a nurse not calling me right back would send me in a tailspin. Right now I am fighting the urge to be totally frustrated. I refuse to let things I cannot control determine my attitude. A little update on our progress: Over the new year I had thought I might actually be pregnant. I even for a little bit let myself get my hopes up. It was not so. So now I am awaiting my endometrial biopsy. This will tell the doctor if I am ovulating. If I am not then we will start injections. The biopsy should be late this month but I just learned from the receptionist that Dr. Bundren might be out of town. What will happen then I asked her? Oh you just wait until next cycle! No big deal just wait another month. Grrrrrrr!!!!! So after an entire year just wait one more month. So if that happens it could be another three months before I can do injections if I have to do birth control in between the biopsy and injections. I am trying not to think about this and instead just take it one day at a time. That is all I can do right now. 

A

Just a Quick Update

Hope everyone has a great holiday. Next Thursday (July 11) is my last Lupron injection! I'm so happy that in five weeks I will be Lupron free. After the last injection I will go back in 4 weeks to have an exam and start birth control. I will have to do birth control for two months to kick start my hormones again. I'm not sure how excited I am about that. I'm a little nervous about how it will make me feel. The last six months my emotions have been very even. I'm afraid the birth control will send me in a tailspin. Hopefully it will not be as bad as I think! Time is passing quickly. I'm hoping it will continue to do so.
God bless
A

An update.....It's been awhile

Well it has been awhile since I posted anything as you can tell. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue this blog but I have decided to post a few updates because I think over the next few months it will be good for me. So here is the update:

JANUARY:

We saw the specialist for the first time, Dr. Bundren. We both really liked him and left his office for the first time feeling like we were finally getting somewhere and moving in the right direction. He did an ultrasound and said he thought from my symptoms that I had endometriosis. He recommended that I have a laparoscopy (a small procedure to determine if the endo was there and how severe it was). He also wanted Tim to repeat his SA. Which he was thrilled with! 

January 21: surgery day. The surgery was quick of course I don't remember any of it! Dr.B told Tim that I had lots of endo. He said that it was all over and he removed what he could. He said he was going to stage it at stage 2 but a very aggressive stage 2. He also said that they did something called chromotubation. This is where they insert die in my tubes to see how they will respond. Ideally they would just allow the die to pass through. Of course the easy way is not the way we do things! My right tube swelled up when the die was passed through which as indication that the endo had penetrated the wall of my tube. As you can imagine this is not good. This information was all passed onto Tim and my mom who were waiting for me to get out of recovery. I forgot to mention that when they first took me back for the surgery Tim went to Dr.B's office and repeated his SA. So I recovered from the surgery quickly and really without many issues. I grilled Tim on what was next and he said all Dr.B said was we need to get her some FSH to get her ovulating and we will have a baby. 

Two week follow up appointment to surgery: I went into this appointment with a lot of hope that we were finally going to get things started. This was just based on the information Tim had gotten. The first person I saw in the office was Claudia, whom I think is Dr.B's fill in nurse. Now don't get me wrong I don't blame her for what happened next but she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. She started showing me (me alone because although Tim was there she didn't have me bring him back at this point) the pictures from my surgery and explaining what everything meant. It was pretty much all the same things we already knew except she said I also had adenomyosis uteri (also not good). Then she tells me that I will be starting treatment for all of this which will be six monthly injects of this medicine called Lupron (I work in a cancer center....so I'm familiar with this drug and its normal uses) to be followed by two months of birth control. So in case you missed it - instead of starting right away trying it will now be 8 months before that will even be possible. On top of my devastation Claudia doesn't realize I was not prepared for this and just keeps going about side effects and whatnot. She finally looks up and sees what I can only guess must have looked like total shock on my face and says...."this is not what you were expecting?" UH NO! She said are you going to cry? YEP. And then the water works start. Of course once they started I couldn't stop. She takes me to an exam where I am supposed to wait to see the doctor. I asked her if my husband could come in and she says "oh honey he is with you? He should have been back here the whole time." So she gets Tim who takes one look at my face and says what the heck is going on. We both expected this to be a happy visit. She tells him I wasn't prepared for the news and said "didn't you talk to her?" Implying that it was his fault I was an unprepared mess. I still to this day almost five months later have no idea where the disconnect happened. I don't know if after my surgery Dr.B reviewed everything and changed his mind or if he just didn't want to get into it all right after the surgery. Either way I look back and honestly think it wasn't all bad that I wasn't prepared. If I had known what was coming I would have googled it.......which is the worst possible thing to do with Lupron! There is some scary stuff out there!! So basically the doctor repeated everything Claudia told us. He said after the Lupron we would try on our own for awhile and if that doesn't work then we will move on to something else. We asked him lots of what ifs but he is very much a one-step-at-a-time kind of doctor so he was hesitant to tell us much beyond the Lupron and birth control. He did talk about IVF with us. He said that Tim's SA came back great which was a silver lining. He said that if I was going to get pregnant that Tim's swimmers would definitely do the trick (Tim still refers to them as his supersperm) so at least we had that going for us. 

Lupron began February: First injection was in February. I also had a dexascan to make sure everything was ok with my bone structure and that I did not have any underlying issues as the injections can aggravate things if there is something already going on. The scan was all good. So first one. This month to start with I felt tired but overall not bad. I guess I should mention that this medicine's sole purpose is to drain my body of estrogen. This will in turn cause me to go into a menopausal state which will hopefully heal the endo and my uterus. 

Month two March: I also forgot to mention that the first month I met Kelly who is the nurse that works with Dr.B and gives all the injections. I LOVE KELLY. She is helpful. By month two I had really severe headaches which Kelly said would probably subside (hopefully). She said that sometimes when the estrogen is leaving your body it causes headaches. She said another possibility is that when the meds are getting low in my system right before the next shot sometimes that will trigger headaches. I was hoping for option A as it would be temporary! And so far that is what I think it was. I still have the headache every now and then but way less frequent than before.

Month three April: this month was the worse so far and since. I began to have severe aching in my joints, primarily knees and wrists. Kelly said it was from the lack of estrogen and said that is why little old ladies walk all humped over. She recommended osteo-biflex. 

Month four May: The osteo is really helping. The joint pain is so infrequent that I could almost say it is gone. It still rares its ugly head every now and then but for the most part it is almost non-existent. 

Month five June: I have not had this injection yet. I will have it on Thursday (June 13) of this week. I should mention one other horrible side effect is the sweating....at night, in flashes, anytime really. I just sweat all the time. And if you know me you know how much I hate and avoid sweating at all costs. I know there must be a lesson in that! 

So when I first learned about the shots it seemed like 8 months would be forever. But here we are halfway through! Granted I wish we were done but it has gone by fairly quickly. I am really going to try to stay more up to date with this so that I don't have to type a book every time. 

I know big things are coming. Whatever the future holds I know there is a plan and I can't wait to see what it is.

A