Some good news and a little perspective

I meant to write this post yesterday but just didn't do it. This week we got a little good news. One of the nurses for my new doctor (I will be calling him Dr. N from now on) left me a voicemail on Monday. She asked me to call her back but said it wasn't an emergency. Even though her tone did not hint at all that something was wrong I instantly broke out in a cold sweat. I knew they had sent off some blood work when I was there last week so my fear was that something had come back abnormal. I immediately called her back and was told she was in a room and that she would return my call. I then sat and waited for what felt like hours but was really only like 10-15 minutes. Did I mention how much I love this clinic!!! When she called me back she began to tell me that in the 3 vials of blood they drew, they ran a test called AMH. As I have quite an extensive knowledge of all things fertility I knew of this test but I didn't know exactly what it was for. She said it gives them a picture of my ovarian reserve. She said my number was "excellent"! It was at this point in the now two minute conversation I allowed myself to exhale. She went on to say that this test lets them know that we do not have to be in a hurry. Basically I am a ways from menopause.... Even though I just experienced menopause for six long months! This is good because if my level had been low the doctor might suggest we move right on to IVF as to not waste any of the ovarian reserve. The nurse said that they usually get concerned if the number is 1 or below. Mine was 4.05. I thanked her for being the bearer of good news. She said the doctor asked her to call because he wanted me to know. Again I love this place!!!! It has been my experience in the past with fertility stuff, doctors don't usually call unless the news is bad. I am so appreciative that they called me for good news. After I got off the phone, I of course googled all about AMH. Apparently there are 4-5 levels depending on which study you read. The good news is my number is in the best category either way. I think this is the first time I have gotten a good grade on a fertility "test"! 

After getting this news I have felt so hopeful this week. Yesterday I also gained a little perspective . My devotion that I read every morning was entitled "Great Expectations". The author of the devotion gives the scripture of Philippians 1:12-21 as a reference. The author talks about Paul being in captivity and how being in that situation did not alter his hope or happiness. I am going to quote directly from the devotional:

"I once asked a counselor what the major issues were that brought people to him. Without hesitation he said, 'The root of many problems is broken expectations; if not dealt with, they mature into anger and bitterness.' In our best moments it is easy to expect that we will find ourselves in a good place surrounded by good people who like and affirm us. But life has a way of breaking those expectations. What then? Stuck in jail and beset by fellow believers in Rome who didn't like him, Paul remained surprisingly upbeat. As he saw it, God had given him a new mission field...... Paul never expected to be in a great place or be well liked. His only expectation was that 'Christ will be magnified through him'(v. 20). He wasn't disappointed." 

I will tell you this spoke directly to me. I have been disappointed so many times by MY expectations. I am not saying we shouldn't be hopeful or believe that things are going to work out. But I think there is a difference. Expectations are the limits that we place on situations.... on God even. Imagine what I could see Him do through me if I would stop expecting Him to do what I think He should! And this definitely applies to our journey to have a family. 

Food for thought. 

New day.....New doctor

As some of you know we saw a new doctor today. This visit was night and day compared to our first visit with Dr. B. this doctor talked really fast and gave us lots of information! He discussed with us our options going forward. He talked to me a little bit about our treatment up to this point. Honestly he is not a fan of the treatment we have undergone. We didn't dwell on it a lot but he implied that I could've gone without the 6 months of injections for endo. I am refusing to let this depress me or dwell on the fact that we could've possibly wasted the last 8 months. I know that we are right where we are because this is where we are supposed to be. Don't get me wrong when he talked about it with us I felt sick, but Dr. N said it is in the past and all you can do is move forward from this point. So that is what I choose to do. Dr.N did tell us that our best chance of pregnancy is IVF. He said although this is the best chance (60% vs less than 10%) it is not the only choice and definitely not the first line of action. Today he did an ultrasound to "see what was going on". He said that I have a lot going on but not in a good way. So the plan for now is to induce a new cycle to clear out all the old and hopefully give me a clean slate. I will be doing a combination of oral medication called Femara and injections called Follistim. This medication cycle will be monitored by ultrasound. The goal is to get my body to ovulate. We are so hopeful after this visit and really praying that the future will hold great things for us! I may or may not update this through the cycle depending on how it goes. 

So have you ever considered adoption?

For people struggling with fertility this question is often a two-edged sword. On one hand adoption is ordained by God. In the Bible He commands us to care for the widows and orphans. On the other hand, to a couple who yearns to be like everyone else and raise a child that is a perfect mix of their traits and appearance, this question can often bring pain. For years when people would ask me that question I would instantly feel guilt. Guilt because I know that adoption is something God calls us to do. Guilt because I am spending countless amounts of money, time, and prayers on trying to have a biological child when there are lots of children who don't have homes. Guilt because we have yet to make grandparents out of our parents who so desperately want to be. Guilt because I have heard stories of families who were complete through the miracle of adoption. I actually would have so much anxiety that as soon as the question was asked I would try to come up with something that would satisfy my social obligation to make this person who was suggesting adoption feel like I was in fact considering it. Truth is at this time in our journey adoption is not a consideration for us. I am not saying we have never discussed it. Of course we have discussed it and if the time comes that we feel God is telling us that is what we should do we will definitely be open to His leading. We have some precious friends who have opened their home to the miracle of adoption twice. Once domestically and are now in the process of adopting after fostering. This relationship has so made me appreciate that God does lead some to take the step toward adoption. I am currently reading a book called Hannah's Hope. If you have not read it you should! It is excellent and has already been such a blessing to me even though I haven't finished it yet. In the book she quotes another author about the subject of adoption. 

This is the passage : "God had the desire to create new life; and he wanted to create it in His own image. If He, being perfect and complete had this desire to create, how could it be selfish or wrong? And because He created us in His image, with many of His attributes, it should come as no surprise that we have His desire to create. If we yearn to take part in the miracle of creating new life " in our image" with our attributes, and want the intimacy of nurturing our child to maturity, that is only natural. This yearning is God-given and how we are created. It's no wonder we feel jarred and confused when we are unable to fulfill it."

I love this passage. I have read it and re-read it. It speaks to my heart. There should be no shame or guilt in my desire to have a biological child even if it is difficult. And to take it a step farther when I get asked that question now I feel no guilt. I feel like at this time, considering adoption when we feel so strongly that it is not what we are supposed to do right now, is giving up on something God has instilled in us. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying adoption is not something we are NEVER going to consider. But what I am saying is that just because we have far surpassed what society considers a "normal" amount of time to try for a biological child it does not mean that we are selfish for not considering adoption. I honestly believe that God is going to bless us with a biological child. But if He doesn't then we trust that He will tell us when it is time to think about other options. 

A

Hurry up and wait...Story of my life

I can say hands down the most frustrating part of this journey is the waiting!! Waiting for test results, waiting for the doctor/nurse to return my call, waiting for my cycle to start....wait wait wait! Seems like some days my life is on hold just waiting. If you know me you know that I am a planner. I like things to be planned and I hate when plans change. I am pretty sure this whole journey is partly God's way of teaching me that I am (and never was) not in control. I am working on this. I am trying to change the way I respond to the changing of plans and time tables. I have come a long way from the days when a nurse not calling me right back would send me in a tailspin. Right now I am fighting the urge to be totally frustrated. I refuse to let things I cannot control determine my attitude. A little update on our progress: Over the new year I had thought I might actually be pregnant. I even for a little bit let myself get my hopes up. It was not so. So now I am awaiting my endometrial biopsy. This will tell the doctor if I am ovulating. If I am not then we will start injections. The biopsy should be late this month but I just learned from the receptionist that Dr. Bundren might be out of town. What will happen then I asked her? Oh you just wait until next cycle! No big deal just wait another month. Grrrrrrr!!!!! So after an entire year just wait one more month. So if that happens it could be another three months before I can do injections if I have to do birth control in between the biopsy and injections. I am trying not to think about this and instead just take it one day at a time. That is all I can do right now. 

A